My Garden

Here I look out over the garden

We once swore to grow


You wanted sunflowers taller than the fencing

I wanted ripe tomatoes for friends like my grandad used to sew


I always kept the seeds and hoe in the garage in case you ever wanted to try again


Four hours I toiled in the dirt digging alone in my stand

Kept the weeds out, cleaned the fence line, and turned the soil by hand


I would work to the bone for this


At times I planted in the wrong season

At times I didn’t ask what flower and for what reason


At times I pissed drunk into the orchids


For a long time, I wanted to forget the task

Abandon the thought and sail a new mast


Give up


You told me you could grow it alone

This garden is an ill-trimmed and desolate; a lawn


It was never meant for both our hands


I will always have the seeds

I still clean the hoe


I can replant anywhere, out of any toil, I can grow


Over a barren creek in the center of a small valley
A fast, cold, wind rushing down the sides of the dead, brown, leaf covered hills
The hushed whisper of birds is too far to acknowledge
The sun is beginning to sleep
I am alone, surrounded by sleeping, naked trees
Black towers standing over the lonely woods
Watching me walk.
They creak and moan with the breath of winter
It is here I decide eternity shall exist
When memories fade and feelings are scrubbed and bleached and sacked and trimmed and drowned
When photos are burned and thrown to the worms and forgotten
When I wonder if heaven lets you bring your own baggage
It is in the cold, dark woods
Where a nearby tombstone sits marred and broken and unreadable
A pile of scrap metal rusts and sinks farther into the soft dirt
That I engrave our names into a tired, old tree.

The Darkest Woods, The Longest Night.

In between reality and dreams and memories
I can put my conscious there
A world of no higher power than that of love

You are always there
The forest is endless and godless
Not free of a god but as if it isn’t not needed

These are not visions, but dreaming while awake
Akin to memories
As if I can put my body and mind there
The emotions I feel there are as real, if not more than the emotions I feel writing this

I wonder if it is a dream
I wonder if it is heaven
I wonder if I am insane

It is an endless forest
A limbo ordered by chaos and a quiet, dark serenity

You are not there by my own merit
As a dream is not directly controlled
When I’m there, you are

If I concentrate and focus on blurring memories and dreams I can visit

My entire being is enveloped in pure love
That is why I wonder if it is heaven

I once was both there and in our shared reality
But I was alone
On the trail in the early dawn, I became aware that the dream, memory, and reality were one.
But you were not there
If it was a dream I willed you there, but I remained alone

I questioned if I had died
For hours I assumed I had and was wondering the afterlife looking for you for eternity
I wondered if it was perhaps hell

I can go there now

It is always dark but we never struggle to see
Cold but we are warm
Silent but we are lively without words

I wonder if I go there a year from now
If you’ll be there, or if my mind will have abandoned you
And I’ll be alone

If not, I will know it was only a dream.

The first time I went there was by accident
I had a memory, or a dream, or a memory, or a dream
An image, a feeling, an experience I cannot place

I’m in a car with you
There is a road and a turn
There’s a body of water under a bridge we drive across
And a dog

The dog was like a brick wall for my mind. An error in the code. It couldn’t categorize the experience
Where was I? Who was I with? When was this?

One moment I’m convinced it’s real
The next I know it was a dream
One-half is too real and the other too surreal

When my brain couldn’t process the correct emotions it snapped
I was in an eternal forest
And there you were

What’s so strange is the reality you’re using to read this can so easily be a memory
Sometimes when I’m sitting or at work, it happens
My reality becomes mixed with a dream

I see through fallacies
The world gets dark

If I let myself go there the feelings are so warm
It’s like being in love with the universe

I recite a poem or quote and my mind comes back to reality
I’m scared I won’t be able to snap out of it one day

That one day I will be too happy and never return.



I don’t care


No amount of apologies will ever uncut a felled tree

What does your heart tell you?

That should be your only compass

Remember what I said?

We are two souls that were bound together


No one is made for you like I am

No one is made for me like you are

Do what your heart tells you

I understand if you have thrown away that compass

You will always have a map to me



I could find someone who will pick out our first apartment together

I will have to find someone to start the garden with

When I come home someone will be there

Kissing the little toes on our little one

I would be just as happy I am



Listen to your heart

The sun and the moon must agree

Their relationship is not dominated by the sun’s passion

They share the sky


I am the little, grey moon

Sure, I can be happy sharing the sky with any star

But  day and night

are like two souls bound together

An Observation on American Values

It sends me to the farthest edges of my will

When my fellow country men distinguish themselves as patriots

What guides them?

It cannot be God, for all they feel is hatred

God tells them to love thy neighbor and Jesus instructs to give to the poor

Their philosophy tells them to insurrect thy neighbor and take from the poor

But cannot be philosophy, for they cannot even spell the word

It must be a love of history and the need to repeat it

Truth comes in two books, the Bible and their check book

Just as peace is created through killing

I Always Wanted To Be Strong (II)

Strength from spite

Will blossom a lily only to die on a cold winter’s night

Strength from hatred

Will burn the land the sleeping mountain once created

The strength from love

Will nurture a sapling that can tower above

If strength comes from passion

A tree can root itself stronger than you can imagine

My lilies have died

My land has burned

I’ve grown stronger from the pain I lifted

And the lessons I’ve learned

I’ll replant my heart

With the seeds of fire

And grow trees as strong as my desire

young, old young, love (True Nen by Milo)

how could I ever love the new you?

when i fell in love with the old you?

hatred has replaced your heavenly attitude

when the new you becomes a good you

ill wait for you to give my cue

what about the old me?

when my heart was broken where do you think id be?

i know i know “it’s all my fault”

ill hear you say that for eternity

is the love we had still there?

you say you dont but you still care

i can see it when you see me dance

if you still love me then theres still a chance

lets forget about all that past shit

lets fall in love like we still kids

am i scared? well hell yea

im scared that im gonna lose ya

“but what about all that shit you said”

lets start over with fresh heads

youre my girl kiddo and you know that

just fuck all of those other cats

ive said it before ill say it again

im sorry youre my best friend

we can try it likes its the first time

i know your name will you ask me mine?

(let the song play)